The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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