Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
