so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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