I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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