My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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