I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
