dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
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