By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I need to wash the frat house off of me
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
