once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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