You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
