Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
