mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
