Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
