Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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