Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
