If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
What drink are we having for lunch?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night