I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.