My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea