There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
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Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
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What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.