Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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