my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
