that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
