I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize