This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
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Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
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Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize