I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
