I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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