He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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