i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
