If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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