Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
What happened to fro yo and sex?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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