I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
