I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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