Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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