What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
The adults are the big ones right?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
