Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
