Your dad touched me again.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
she peed on how many people?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
