Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
