Girls should come with a carfax report
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
