Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
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Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
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It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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