I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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