i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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