Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
