I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
