when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
