are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
