So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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