I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
