My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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