i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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