She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
