im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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