She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
