I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
