I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
