I wish you could order shots online.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
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