Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
