Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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