I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
