we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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